LOOK - YOU ARE NOT YOUR MIND
by
Heather Stone, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist, PSY 21112
“You are not your mind,” I tell my clients. “You
aren’t.”
This statement is usually followed by a mixed look
of skepticism and pity: “She’s a psychologist, and
she doesn’t understand that everybody is their
minds! She seems misinformed. Everybody knows that
our minds are who we are.” I secretly love this
look, because while people think I’m nuts for making
this statement, I’m really, really sure about this.
So I continue: “The mind causes painful,
unnecessary, and meaningless suffering. The mind is
very tricky and should be regarded with a good deal
of healthy suspicion. It often takes us off our
path. Ok, if it’s working on a concrete problem –
planning, organizing, learning – that’s fine. But
mostly it isn’t doing that – it’s trying to control
our internal experiences, which it cannot do. Much
of the time it gives us false messages. It creates
distortions, makes us nervous wrecks, and takes us
out of the present moment. It shouldn’t always be
trusted.”
Here comes the next look: a little more interested,
though struggling to be patient. So I keep going: “I
think we all secretly hate being slaves to our
minds. The mind is sometimes like a bully that
taunts us or drags us around like a ragdoll.”
Suddenly, a look of recognition emerges, because
many people are all too familiar with the feeling of
being enslaved by their minds.
I then see the wheels turning as their minds start
thinking: “Maybe I can ditch this thing, the mind.
Maybe I can beat it into submission so it will
finally leave me alone for good. Is there a way to
do that? How can I make it stop? How can I make it
totally quiet all of the time? How can I think
myself out of it when I want to? How can I put
myself in the desired state I want to be in? How can
I control the thought? How can I suppress the
thought?” And so on.
Here comes my look – and it’s a look of compassion,
because I have to explain that really, you can’t
out-think the mind. I answer, “If you use control,
you’re using the mind to battle with the mind. What
will happen is that you end up feeling like you are
caught in a great big net. You’ll struggle and
you’ll fight, and then you’ll lose. You can’t
out-think your mind, because it’s still the mind.”
I then see a look of disappointment, and maybe even
despair. But this look can be encouraging, because
it is often an indication that there might be a
willingness to try something new. I then explain,
“It doesn’t work the way you think. You don’t get to
have any control over the mind. The mind keeps
producing stuff, like a running commentary. There is
going to be constant noise. But there is a better
way to approach the mind, even though I’m reluctant
to say that this is the way to ‘control’ it. Here’s
what I’m recommending:
“Become really, really good at watching your mind.
The part that’s looking is You. Feel yourself
looking. That’s the only way to get a break from
your mind. In that moment, you will know that you
are not your mind, because, quite frankly, something
else is looking. The You that is not your mind is
the part that is observing. Rather than being yanked
around by your thoughts, you will begin feel more
space. Notice that there is a gap in there, a small
distance between You and your thoughts. You will
soon be grateful for this.”
I have to add here that the meditation gurus
sometimes don’t say enough about attitude. Attitude
is key. So I would like to emphasize, “In order to
do this well, you need to cultivate a certain
approach to observing. You only have a few options,
but you can choose which one to be in: You can be
curious, skeptical (but not rejecting), attentive,
watchful, discerning (but not judgmental),
incredibly interested, engaged, willing, neutral,
detached, or compassionate. But not much else. No
labels of good or bad. No judging. No analyzing. No
evaluating. No ranking, rating, or making things
better or worse. If you’re not quite sure what gear
to be in, shift into neutral. Just observe.”
Now I start to see the most genuine look, and it’s
the look I was hoping for. “I want you to look at
your mind sincerely, without an agenda. Just look at
what is happening in the present moment. Be with
what you see. And know that your thoughts can be
accurate, they can be distorted, and they can be
everything in-between. But all the while, know that
You are here, and You are real.
Feeling Your Authentic Presence:
I would like to make introductions at this point, to
help you make contact with the real You, the You
that is not your mind.
Repeat your name silently, inside your head.
Imagine filling up the room with your whole
presence, as if you are entitled to take up the
entire space you are in.
Know that you have a past, but you are not your
past. You have a body, but you are not your body.
You have symptoms, but you are not your symptoms.
You have thoughts, but you are not your thoughts.
You have a mind, but you are not your mind.
You are the presence that interacts with the
world as it rushes towards you from the other
direction.
You are the inner adult that was in the child when
you were younger; and as a generous exchange, you
are also the child who resides within your adult.
Both parts are You – constant, ever-present, and
aware.
Find yourself in the present moment. You are the
one that has been moving through time, traveling
inside the time capsule of your life, looking out
from behind your face and perceiving, watching,
noticing, and choosing. You were in the Now when
you got here. And then you moved along with time.
It was Now. And Now. And Now. And here You are,
in the Now again. You are traveling in the Now.
Now is fluid; it moves. And you’re moving with it,
in every moment.
You are the one that feels moved in special
moments. You are there when you find yourself
absorbed in the middle of a project you are
connected to. When things “call to you.” Or when
things “speak to you.” You are present when you are
touched, inspired, or drawn to things like music,
art, food, nature, surroundings, or certain people.
(And when you are bored, when you have adopted
someone else’s truth, when you are trying to
control, or when you are cut off from your body or
your feelings, you will not recognize yourself).
You are the one who plays. If you need me to
say more about this, you’re not playing!
Observe your reaction to all of this. (This is a
good look.)
What Does All This Have to Do With Anxiety?
The mind causes suffering by doing two things: 1)
it takes us into the future or the past, and 2) it
judges things (even our own internal states), as
being either good or bad. In contrast, by noticing
instead of judging, and by staying present in the
moment, you will be less anxious. Let go of your
obsession with the future. Anxiety lives in the
future, but You exist in the Now. Come back to the
present moment, again and again. From this place,
you can let go of the mind’s superstitious worry.
When I say that we shouldn’t always trust the mind,
it’s because the mind is giving you an illusion of
false protection. The mind is tricking you into
believing that worry will ward off the dreaded
event. But the dreaded event doesn’t exist in the
Now, and probably not even in the future. And
worrying never protected anybody. Face it – nothing
that we are anxious about ever ends up happening
just as we imagined it. Yes, bad things happen, but
not in the same way that we think they will. “So,”
you ask, “what if something bad were to happen right
now? Or sometime soon? Or later down the road?
What then?”
You
Will Be There:
“You will be there, to help yourself at every
given moment. You are here Now, and You will be
there, when the moment occurs –
if
it ever does. This is the most reassuring news you
can imagine. You are the constant awareness that
knows what to do. You are moving through time.
You will have all the new information in that
moment, to help you decide how to respond. The
future may be unknown, but the constant is always
You. You can be trusted.” And here I add: “I
trust You. If there was an emergency right now,
with the two of us in the room, I will trust the two
of us to know just how to respond. Am I right to
trust you?” And I always hear, “Yes, I can be
trusted.”
This is a beautiful look. It’s soft, serious, and
quiet. It’s much lighter, and very relieved. A few
minutes ago, you felt scared and insecure, and yet I
am saying to you here that You are the person I
trust the most. Why am I trusting you? Because You
are here, in this moment, and you recognize
Yourself. That makes You very trustworthy.
So, please, just have a look. Just observe. Just
look.
© 2010 Heather Stone, Ph.D.
